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COPffilGHT DEPOSm ^ 



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WELL YOU HOARY -HEADED IMPOSTOR, WHAT WOULD 
YOUKS BE?" 



THE UNEXPECTED GUESTS 
B 3farce 



/ X 39*'' 



W. D. HOWELLS 



ILLUSTRATED 




y/6?7t/ 



NEW YORK 
HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS 



1893 



Harper's "Black and White" Series. 

Illustrated. 32mo, Cloth, 50 cents each. 



The Unexpected Guests. A 

Farce. By William Dean 

HoweUs. 
The Decision of the Court. 

A Comedy. By Brander Mat- 
thews. 
George William Curtis. By 

John White Chadvvick. 
Slavery AND thbSlaveTrapb 

IN Africa. By Henry M. 

Stanley. 
The Rivals. By Francois 

Coppee. 
The Japanese Beide. By 

Naomi Tamiira. 
Whittikr : Notes of his Life 

AND OF HIS Friendships. By 

Annie Fields. 
Giles Corey, Yeoman. By 

Marv E. Wilkins. 



Coffee and Repartee. By 
John Kendrick Bangs. 

James Russell Lowell. An 
Address. By George William 

Curtis. 

Seen from the Saddle. By 
Isa Carrington Cabell. 

A Family Canoe Trip. By 
Florence Watters Snedeker. 

A Little Swiss Sojourn. By 
William Dean HoweUs. 

A Letter of Introduction. 

A Farce. By William Dean 

Howells. 
In the Vestibule Limited. 

By Brander Matthews. 

The Albany Depot. A Farce. 
By William Dean Howells. 



Published by HARPER & BROTHERS, New York. 

For sale by all booksellers, or luill be sent by the publishers, 
postage prepaid, on receipt of price. 



Copyright, 1893, by W. D. Howells. 



All rights reser'c'ed. 



ILLUSTRATIONS 

"well, you hoary-headed impostor, 

WHAT WOULD YOURS BE?" .... Frontispiece 
"oh, AUNT MARY !" Facespage lo 

"what in THE WORLD IS IT, AMY?" .... l8 

"i'm so GLAD TO SEE YOU!" 24 

"oh, I DARE SAY HE WONT MIND." 42 

"yes, QUAILS'." 50 



THE UNEXPECTED GUESTS 

FARCE 

MRS. WILLIS CAMPBELL'S DRAWING-ROOM 

I 

MRS. CAMPBELL, CAMPBELL, DR. LAWTON 

Dr. Lawton : " Then truth, as I under- 
stand you, Mrs. Campbell, is a female 
virtue." 

Mrs. Campbell : " It is one of them." 
Dr. Lawton : " Oh ! You have sev- 
eral ?" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Legions, Dr. Lawton." 
Dr. Lawton : " What do you do with 
them all ?" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, we just keep 
them. You may be sure we don't waste 
them on ?nen. What would be the use, 
for instance, of always telling Willis the 
truth ? He wouldn't believe it, to begin 
with." 



Campbell : " You had better try me 
once, Amy. My impression is that it's 
the other thing I can't get away with. 
And yet I'm a great deal more accus- 
tomed to it !" 

Mrs. Campbell : " That is neither here 
nor there. But what I say, and what I 
insist, is that the conventional lies that 
people tell are just as much lies as any 
— just as wicked, and altogether unneces- 
sary. Why should I send word to the 
door that I'm not at home, or that I'm 
engaged, when I'm not, merely to get out 
of seeing a person ?" 

Campbell : " Because you are such a liar, 
my love." 

Dr. Lawton : " No ! Excuse me, Camp- 
bell ! I don't wish to intercept any little 
endearments, but really I think that in 
this case Mrs. Campbell's sacrifice of the 
truth is a piece of altruism. She knows 
how it is herself ; she wouldn't like to be 
in the place of the person she wants to 
get out of seeing. So she sends word 
that she is not at home, or that she's en- 
gaged." 

Mrs. Campbell : " Of course I do. Wil- 



lis's idea of truth would be to send word 
that he didn't want to see them." 

Dr. Lawton, laughing : " I haven't the 
least doubt of it." 

Campbell. "Well, you hoary- headed 
impostor, what would yours be }" 

Dr. Lawton: "Mine.?- I have none! 
I have been a general practitioner for 
forty years. But what time did you ask 
me for, Mrs. Campbell .?" 

Mrs. Campbell : "Seven. I don't see 
what's keeping them all." 

Campbell : " The women are not com- 
ing." 

Mrs. Campbell : "Why?" 

Campbell : " Because they said they 
were. Truth is a female virtue." 

Mrs. Campbell : " I must say, I don't 
see why they're so late. I can't under- 
stand, when every woman knows the anx- 
iety of a hostess, how any one can be 
late. It's very heartless, I think." Mrs. 
Campbell is in dinner dress ; she remains 
tranquilly seated on the sofa while she 
speaks, but the movement of her alter- 
nately folded and expanded fan betrays 
the agitation of her spirits. Dr. Lawton, 



lounging at large ease in a low chair, re- 
gards her with a mixture of admiration 
and scientific interest. Her husband walks 
up and down with a surcharge of nervous 
energy which the husband of a dinner- 
giver naturally expends when the guests 
are a little late. 

Campbell : " They will probably come 
in a lump — if they come at all. Don't be 
discouraged, Amy. If they don't come, I 
shall be hungry enough, by-and-by, to eat 
the whole dinner myself." 

Mrs. Campbell : "That is a man's idea; 
you think that the great thing about a 
dinner is to get it eaten." 

Dr. Lawton: "Oh, not all of us, Mrs. 
Campbell !" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Well, I will except 
you, Dr. Lawton." 

Campbell : " And what is a woman's 
idea of a dinner, I should like to know Y' 

Mrs. Campbell : " To get it over." 

Campbell : " In this instance, then, I 
think you're going to fail. I see no pros- 
pect of your getting it over. The people 
are not coming. I guess you wrote Thurs- 
day when you meant Tuesday; didn't 



you, Amy ? Your Tuesdays always look 
like Thursdays, anyway." 

Mrs. Campbell : " Now, Willis, if you 
begin your teasing !" 

Campbell : " Well, what I want you to 
do is to tell them what you really think 
of them when they do come. I don't 
want any hollow-hearted pretence that it 
isn't at all late, and that you did not ex- 
pect them before, and all that kind of 
thing. You just say, Ves, you are rather 
behiJid time; and, No, I didnt write half- 
past seven ; I wrote seven. With all your 
devotion to truth, I'll bet you wouldn't 
dare to speak it once." 

Mrs. Campbell : " What will you bet } 
Come, now ! Dr. Lawton will hold the 
stakes." 

Campbell : " Ah, / should have to pay, 
whichever lost, and Lawton would pocket 
the stakes." 

Dr. Lawton : " Try me !" 

Campbell : " I'd rather not. It would 
be too expensive." A ring is heard ; and 
then voices below and on the stairs. 
" The spell is broken ! I hear the sten- 
torian tones of my sister Agnes." 



Mrs. Campbell : " Yes, it is Agnes ; and 
now they'll all come." She runs out to 
the space at the top of the stairs which 
forms a sort of passageway between the 
drawing-room and library. " Oh, Agnes I 
I'm so glad to see you ! And Mr. Rob- 
erts !" She says this without, and the 
shock of kisses penetrates to the drawing- 
room, where Campbell and Dr. Lawton 
remain. 

Mrs. Roberts, without: "Amy, I'm 
quite ashamed of myself! I'm afraid 
we're late. I think Edward's watch must 
be slow." 

Mrs. Campbell, without ; " Not at all ! 
I don't believe it's seven yet. I've only 
just got into my gown." 

Campbell : " It is a female virtue. Doc- 
tor!" 

Dr. Lawton : " Oh, there's no doubt of 
its sex." 

Mrs. Campbell, without: "You'll find 
Willis in the drawing-room with Dr. 
Lawton, Mr. Roberts." 



ROBERTS, CAMPBELL, DR. LAWTON 

Campbell, as Roberts meekly appears: 
"Hello, Roberts? You're late, old fel- 
low. You ought to start Agnes dressing 
just after lunch." 

Roberts : " No, I'm afraid it's my fault. 
How do you do, Dr. Lawton ? I think 
my watch is losing time." 

Campbell : " You didn't come your old 
dodge of stealing a garroter's watch on 
your way through the Common.? That 
was a tremendous exploit of yours, Rob- 
erts." 

Dr. Lawton : " And you were at your 
best that night, Campbell. For a little 
while I wasn't sure but truth was a boy." 

Campbell : " I don't believe old Bemis 
has quite forgiven Roberts to this day. 
By-the-way, Bemis is late, too. Wouldn't 
have helped much to grab his watch to- 
night, Roberts. Hold on ! That's his 



voice, now !" As Mr. Bemis enters : 
" Good-evening, Mr. Bemis. Roberts and 
I were just talking of that night when 
you tried to garrote him in the Common, 
and he got away with your watch." 



i 



Ill 

MR. BEMIS AND THE OTHERS 

Mr. Bemis, reluctantly : " Oh ! very- 
good. Ha, ha, ha !" 

Roberts, cringingly : " Ha, ha, ha ! 
Capital !" 

Mr. Bemis : " Talking of watches, I 
hope I'm not late." 

Campbell : " About half an hour." 

Mrs. Campbell, re-entering and giving 
her hand : " Don't believe a word of it, 
Mr. Bemis. You're just in time. Why, 
even Aunt Mary is not here yet !" 

Aunt Mary Crashaw, without : " Yes, I 
am, my dear — half-way up your ridicu- 
lous stairs." 

Mrs. Campbell : '• Oh, Aunt Mary !" 
She runs out to meet her. 

Campbell, to Dr. Lawton : " You see ! 
she can't tell the truth even by acci- 
dent." 



Roberts : " What in the world do you 
mean, Willis?" 

Campbell : " 'Sh ! It's a bet." To Mrs. 
Crashaw, coming in with his wife : " You 
are pretty well blown, Aunt Mary." 




" OH, AUNT MARYI' 



IV 



MRS. CRASHAW, MRS, CAMPBELL, AND THE 
OTHERS 

Mrs. Crashaw : " Blown ? I wonder I'm 
alive to reproach Amy for these stairs. 
Why don't you live in a flat.'*" 

Campbell : " I am going to put in an 
elevator here, and you can get stuck in 
it." 

Mrs. Crashaw : " I dare say I shall, if 
yoti put it in. What a frightful experi- 
ence ! I shall never forget that night. 
How d'ye do, Edward ?" She shakes hands 
with Roberts and Mr. Bemis. " How do 
you do, Mr. Bemis .^ I ^now how Dr. 
Lawton does, without asking." 

Dr. Lawton, gallantly : " All the better 
for—" 

Mrs. Crashaw: '' Doiit say, for seeing 
me ! We may be chestnuts, doctor, but 
we needn't speak them." To Mrs. Camp- 
bell : " Are you going to have the whole 
elevator company, as usual ?" 



Mrs. Campbell : " Yes — all but Mr. and 
Mrs. Miller. I asked them, but they had 
an engagement." 

Mrs. Crashaw : " So much the worse for 
them. Mrs. Curvven will be very much 
disappointed not to see — Mrs. Miller." 
The men laugh. She shakes her fan at 
them. " You ought to be ashamed to 
provoke me to say such things. Well, 
now, since I'm here, I wish the others 
would come. I'm rather hungry, and it's 
late, isn't it ?" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Not at all ! I don't 
see why you all think it's late. I'm sure 
it's very early. Ah, Mrs. Curwen !" She 
advances upon this lady, who enters with 
her husband behind her. " So glad you 
could come. And Mr. Curwen ! I didn't 
hear you coming !" 



MR. AND MRS. CURWEN AND THE OTHERS 

Mrs. Curwen : " That proves you didn't 
eavesdrop at the head of the stairs, my 
dear. We were quarrelHng all the way 
up to this threshold. After I'd answered 
it, I mislaid your invitation, and Mr. Cur- 
wen was sure we were asked for Wednes- 
day. But I knew better. As it is, I'm 
afraid we're rather late." 

Mrs. Campbell, forcing a laugh : " We 
rarely sit down before eight. Oh, Mrs. 
Bemis ! How do you do, Mr. Bemis !" 
She greets young Mr. and Mrs. Bemis 
with effusion, as they come in with an air 
of haste. 



VI 



YOUNG MR. AND MRS. BEMIS AND THE 
OTHERS 

Mrs. Bemis : " Oh, I know we're fright- 
fully late !" 

Bemis : " Yes, it's quite shocking — " 

Mrs. Campbell : " Not at all ! Really, 
I think it must be a conspiracy. Every- 
body says they are late, and I don't know 
why." 

Campbell: "I do; but I don't like to 
tell." 

Dr. Lawton : " Much safer, my dear 
boy ! Much !" 

Mrs. Campbell, ignoring this passage : 
" If I should make you wait, just to show 
you that it was early, I don't think it 
would be more than you deserve." 

Campbell : " Probably, if you did that. 
Miss Reynolds would get here too soon." 

Mrs. Campbell : " Yes ; and she's usu- 
ally so prompt." 

Mrs. Curwen : "I'm beginning to have 



the courage of my convictions, Mrs. Camp- 
bell. Are you sure you didn't say half- 
past ?" 

Mrs. Campbell: "I'm sure I can't say. 
Very likely I may have done so in your 
note. But I don't see why we are so in- 
flexible about dinner engagements. / 
think we ought to give people at least 
three-quarters of an hour's grace, instead 
of that wretched fifteen minutes that 
keeps everybody's heart in their mouth." 
The door-bell sounds. "Ah! That's Miss 
Reynold's ring, and — " 

Campbell : " We are saved ! I was 
afraid we were going to be thirteen at 
table." 

Mrs. Roberts: "Thirteen! What do 
you mean, Willis ?" 

Campbell : " Why, one from twelve, you 
know." 

Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, yes." The others 
laugh. 

Mrs. Campbell : " Don't notice him, 
Agnes. He's in one of his very worst 
ways to-night." 

Mrs. Roberts : " But I don't see what 
the joke is !" 



Mrs. Campbell : " Neither do I, Agnes. 
I—" 

A Ghostly Voice, as of an asthmatic 
spectre speaking through an imperfectly- 
attached set of artificial teeth, makes itself 
heard from the library : " Truth crushed 
to earth will rise again. For God's eternal 
years are hers — er— r — r — ck — ck — cr — cr 
— cr — ee — ck — " 

Mrs. Crashaw : " Good heavens, Willis, 
what in the world is that ?" 

The Voice : " This is the North Ameri- 
ca Company's perfected phonograph, in- 
vented by Thomas A. — cr — cr — cr — ee — 
ee — ck — ck — ck — New Jersey. This cyl- 
inder was — cr — cr — elocutionist — ee— ee 
— ck — Cullen Bryant — Truth crushed 
to — cr — cr — ck — ck — " 

Campbell : " Don't be alarmed. Aunt 
Mary. It's just a phonograph that I had 
got in to amuse you after dinner. It 
don't seem to be exactly in order. Per- 
haps the cylinder's got dry, or Jim hasn't 
got quite the right pressure on — " 

Mrs. Crashaw: " Is Jim in there .^" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Yes ; Agnes has lent 
him to us to-day. I adore boys, and 



Jim has been angelic the whole after- 
noon." 

Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, you're too good, 
Amy !" 

Mrs. Crashaw : " I don't wonder he's 
been angelic, with a thing like that to 
play with. I should be angelic myself. 
Why can't we go and be amused with it 
a little before dinner, Willis ?" 

The Others, respectively : " Oh, yes. 
Do. By all means. I never heard one 
before. We really can't wait. Let us 
hear it now, Mr. Campbell ! Do make 
him, Mrs. Campbell." 

Campbell: "Well, all right. I'll go 
with you—" He stops, feeling himself 
significantly clutched by the wrist, and 
arrested in mid-career, by Mrs. Campbell. 
" Or, Jim can show it off. It'll do him 
so much good. I'll let Jim." The guests 
follow one another out with cries of real 
and simulated interest, and Campbell 
turns to his wife : " What in the world is 
it, Amy.>" 
3 



VII 

MR. AND MRS. CAMPBELL 

Mrs. Campbell : " What is it ? I shall 
die, Willis !" 

Campbell : " Well, speak first." 

Mrs. Campbell : " Something's happen- 
ed to the dinner, I know. And I'm afraid 
to go and see. The cook's so cross !" 

Campbell : " Well, shall / go ?" 

Mrs. Campbell : " And if you keep up 
this teasing of yours, you'll simply kill 
me." 

Campbell : " Well, I won't, then. But 
it's very lucky your guests are belated 
too, Amy. Now, if you co7^/d get the 
dinner on in about ten minutes, we should 
be just right. But you've told them all 
they were so early that they'll believe the 
delay is all yours." 

Mrs. Campbell : " They won't believe 
anything of the kind ! They know bet- 
ter. But I don't dare — " 



Jane, the waitress, appearing through 
the portiere of the drawing-room : " Din- 
ner is ready, Mrs. Campbell." 

Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, well, then, do 
get them started, Willis ! Don't forget, 
it's young Mrs. Bemis you're to take down 
—7iot Mrs. Curwen." 

Campbell : " Oh, no ! I sha'n't forget 
that. I hope Mrs. Curwen won't. Hello ! 
There's another ring. Who in the world 
is that ?" 

Mrs. Campbell : " 'Sh ! If that horrid, 
squeaking phonograph — " 

The Phonograph, from the library: 
" Truth crushed to earth will — " 

Mrs. Campbell : " Good gracious ! I 
can't hear a word. Hark ! It's Miss 
Reynolds talking with some one in the 
reception-room, and it sounds like — but 
it can't be — no, it can't — it — it zj— yes ! 
And that's his voice too, Willis ! What 
does it mean.^ Am I losing my five 
senses? Or am I simply going stark, 
staring mad .?" 

Campbell : " You don't say the Millers 
have come .^" 

Mrs. Campbell: "The Millers? No! 



Who cares anything about the Millers? 
'Sh !" She listens. 

Campbell, listening : " Why, it's the 
Belforts !" 

Mrs. Campbell : " How can you dare 
to say it, Willis } Of course it's the Bel- 
forts. Hark !" She listens. 

Campbell, listening: "But I thought 
you said they declined, too." 

Mrs. Campbell : " They did. It's some 
frightful mystery. Be still, do, Willis !" 

Campbell : " Why, I'm not making any 
noise. It's the froufrou of that dress of 
yours." 

Mrs. Campbell : " It's your shirt bosom. 
You always will have them so stiff ; and 
you keep breathing so." 

Campbell : " Oh, well, if you don't want 
me to breathe !" 

Mrs. Campbell, desperately : " It doesn't 
matter. It wouldn't help now if you never 
breathed again. Don't joke, Willis ! I 
can't bear it. If you do, I shall scream." 

Campbell: "I wasn't going to joke. 
It's too serious. What are you going to 
do?" 

Mrs. Campbell : " I don't know. We 



must do anything to keep them from find- 
ing out that they weren't expected." 

Campbell : " But how do you suppose 
it's happened, Amy ?" 

Mrs. Campbell : " I don't know. They 
meant to decline somewhere else and ac- 
cept here, and they mixed the letters. It's 
always happening. But be still now ! 
They're coming up, and all we can do is 
to keep them in the dark as well as we 
can. You must help me, Willis." 

Campbell : " Oh, there's nothing I like 
better than throwing dust in people's 
eyes. It's my native element." 

Mrs. Campbell : " Of course it puts the 
table all out, and we've got to rearrange 
the places, and think who is going to take 
out who again as soon as we can get rid 
of them. Be making up some pretext, 
Willis. We've got to consult together, 
or else we are completely lost. You'll 
have to stay and keep talking, while I 
run down and make them put another 
leaf into the table. I don't believe there's 
room enough now, and I'm not certain 
about the quails. The cook said she didn't 
believe they were all nice. How can peo- 



pie be so careless about notes ! I think 
it's really criminal. There ought to be 
something done about it. If people won't 
read their notes over they ought to be 
told about it, and I've the greatest mind 
to say at once that they sent a refusal, 
and I wasn't expecting them. It would 
serve them right." 

Campbell : " Yes, and it would be such 
a relief to your feelings. I wish you 
would do it, Amy. Just for once." 

Mrs. Campbell : " I shall have to take 
the table-cloth off if I put another leaf in, 
and the whole thing has got to be re- 
arranged, decorations and everything; 
and I'd got the violets scattered so care- 
lessly. Now I shall just fling them on. 
I don't care how they look. I'm com- 
pletely discouraged, and I shall just go 
through it all like a stone." 

Campbell : " Like a precious stone. 
You are such a perfect little brick. Amy." 

Mrs. Campbell : " I guess you wouldn't 
like it yourself, Willis. And the Belforts 
are just the people I should have liked to 
do my best before, and now their being 
here spoils everything." 



Campbell, smiling : " It is a complica- 
tion !" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, yes, giggle, do I 
I suppose 3'Ou'd expect me to be logical, 
as you call it, with my dying breath." 

Campbell : " No, I shouldn't, Amy ; but 
I know you'd be delightful under any 
circumstances. You always get there 
just the same, whether you take the 
steps or not. But brace up now, dear, 
and you'll come out all right. Tell them 
the truth and I'll stand by you. I don't 
want any better fun." He slips behind 
his wife, who gives him a ghastly glance 
over her shoulder as the Belforts enter 
the room with Miss Reynolds. 



THE BELFORTS, MISS REYNOLDS, AND THE 
CAMPBELLS 

Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, how do you do, 
Maria?" She kisses Miss Reynolds, and 
then, with gay cordiality, gives her hand 
to Mrs. Belfort. "I'm so glad to see 
you !" She shakes hands with Belfort. 
" So kind of you to come." 

Miss Reynolds : "I'm sorry to be a lit- 
tle late. Amy ; but better late than never, 
I suppose." 

Mrs. Belfort : "I'm not so sure of that. 
Dear Mrs. Campbell ! I wish you would 
be quite frank with me !" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Late ? Frank ? What 
do you mean, both of you ? You know 
you're never late, Maria; and why should 
I be frank with you, Mrs. Belfort ?" 

Campbell : " What do you take us for ?'' 

Mrs. Belfort, holding Mrs. Campbell's 




"^•iWcittj "^ 



I'm so glad to see you : 



25 



hand clasped between both of hers : '' For 
the very nicest and kindest people in the 
world, who wouldn't let me have the mor- 
tification of deranging them on any ac- 
count. Did you expect us this evening?" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Expect you ? What 
a strange question ! Why in the world 
shouldn't we expect you ?'' 

Campbell : " What an extraordinary- 
idea !" 

Mrs. Belfort : " Because I had to hurry 
away from Mrs. Miller's tea when I went 
home to dress, and when I told her we 
were coming here to dinner, she said, 
' Oh, you are gomg, then ?' in such a way 
that, though she covered it up afterwards, 
and said she didn't mean anything, and 
she didn't know why she had spoken, I 
felt sure there must be some misunder- 
standing, and I've come quite ready to 
be sent away again if there is. Didn't 
you get my note ?" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Your note ? Why, 
of course I did !" 

Mrs. Belfort: "Then it's all right. 
Stcck a relief! Now I feel that I can 
breathe freely again." 
4 



26 



Mr. Belfort : " I assure you, Mrs. Camp- 
bell, it's a relief to me, too. I've never 
seen my wife of quite so many minds as 
she's been for the last hour and a half. 
She was quite encyclopedic." 

Campbell: "Oh, I know how that is, 
my dear boy. I've known Mrs. Camp- 
bell change hers as often as an unabridged 
dictionary in great emergencies." 

Mrs. Belfort : " But really, the only 
thing for us to do was to come, as I felt 
from the beginning, in spite of my doubts 
what to do. I thought I could depend 
upon you to send us away if we weren't 
wanted ; but if we were, and didn't come, 
you couldn't very well have sent for us." 

Mrs. Campbell, gayly : " Indeed I 
should !" 

Campbell, gallantly : " The dinner 
would have been nothing without you." 

Mrs. Belfort : " I don't know about 
that, but I'm sure we should have been 
nothing without the dinner. We were 
so glad to come. I waited a little while 
about answering, till I could see whether 
we could be free of a sort of provisional 
engagement we had hanging over us. 



27 



Even after we got here, though, I'd half 
a mind to run away, and we've been 
catechising poor Miss Reynolds down in 
the reception-room till she wouldn't stand 
it any longer, and so here we are." 

Mrs. Campbell: "And I'm perfectly 
delighted. If you had yielded to any 
such ridiculous misgiving, I should never 
have forgiven you. I'm sure I don't 
know what Mrs. Miller could have — " 

The Phonograph in the library : " Truth 
crushed to earth will cr— cr-r-r-r — ck — ck 
— cr — " 

Mrs. Belfort: "A phonograph! Oh, 
have you got one ? I must hear it !" 

Campbell : " Well, won't you come into 
the library? My nephew is in there, 
driving everybody mad with it. He'll be 
perfectly delighted with a fresh victim." 

Mrs. Belfort : " And I shall be charmed 
to offer myself up. Come, Miss Reynolds. 
Come, Roger." 

Campbell : " Yes, come along, Belfort." 
He leads the way to the door, and then 
adroitly slips back to his wife, who has 
abandoned herself wildly upon the sofa. 



IX 

CAMPBELL AND MRS. CAMPBELL 

Mrs. Campbell : " Well, now, what are 
you going to do, Willis ?" 

Campbell: "/V;2 not going to do any- 
thing. / haven't been flying in the face 
of Providence. If ever there was a wom- 
an offered a clean and safe way out ! But 
since you preferred to remain in this 
labyrinth — this Black Forest of improba- 
bilities — " 

Mrs. Campbell: "Oh, don't torment 
me, Willis ! Don't you see that her tak- 
ing it that way made it all the more im- 
possible for me to tell her of the blunder 
she had committed? I simply couldn't 
do it, then." 

Campbell : " I don't see how you could 
help doing it, then," 

Mrs. Campbell : " When she behaved 
so magnanimously about it, and put her- 
self in my power ? I would sooner have 



29 



died, and sFie knew it perfectly well. 
That's the reason she ivas so magnani- 
mous. You wouldn't have done it your- 
self after that. But it's no use talking 
about that now. We've got to do some- 
thing, and you've got to think what we 
shall do. Now think !" 

Campbell : " What about ?" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, don't tease, dear- 
est! About the trouble — and who shall 
take out who — and the quails. You know 
what !" 

Campbell: "Well, I think if we leave 
those people alone much longer, they'll 
all come out here and ask if they weren't 
mistaken in supposing they were expect- 
ed." 

Mrs. Campbell, whimpering : " Oh, 
there you go ? How perfectly heartless !" 



MRS. ROBERTS AND THE CAMPBELLS 

Mrs. Roberts, showing herself at the 
door : " Amy, dear, what is the matter ? 
Didn't you tell me the Belforts were not 
coming ? Is that what's keeping you out 
here ? I just knew it was !" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Yes, Agnes ; but do 
go back to them, and keep them amused. 
Willis and I are trying to think what to 
do. I've got to rearrange the whole table, 
you know, and I'm not sure whether 
there'll be quails enough to go round." 

Mrs. Roberts : " Don't worry about that, 
Amy. I won't take any, and I'll give 
Edward a hint about them." 

Campbell : " And Roberts is capable of 
asking you before the whole company 
why you don't want him to take quail. 
There's nothing like Roberts for presence 
of mind and any little bit of finesse like 
that. No, it won't do for the entire con- 



nection to fight shy of quail. Mrs. Bel- 
fort has got her suspicions roused, and 
she'd be on to a thing of that kind like 
lightning. She's got the notion that she 
wasn't expected, somehow, and she's been 
making it hot for Amy — trying to get 
her to own up, and all that. If it hadn't 
been for me, Amy would have owned up, 
too. But I kept my eye on her, and she 
lied out of it like a little man." 

Mrs. Campbell : " It isn't so, Agnes. 
He wajtted me to tell the truth about it, 
as he calls it — " 

Mrs. Roberts : " What an idea ! You 
might as well have died at once. I don't 
see what you could have been thinking of, 
Willis !" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Yes, he can't under- 
stand yet why I shouldn't, when Mrs. 
Belfort asked me if there wasn't some 
mistake, and literally threw herself on 
my mercy. She had no business to do it, 
and I shall always think it was taking a 
mean advantage ; but I wasn't going to 
let myself be outdone in magnanimity. 
I shouldn't have thought she would be 
capable of it." 



32 



Mrs. Roberts : " It wasn't very nice ; 
but I suppose she was excited. We 
mustn't blame her, and you did the only 
thing that any human creature could do. 
I'm surprised at Willis; or, rather, I'm 
not surprised." 

Campbell : " Well, don't let it keep 
you away from our other guests, Ag- 
nes." 

Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, yes ; do go back 
to them, Agnes, dear ! I have got to ar- 
range all over again now, about who's to 
go out with who, you know. I shall 
want you to let Edward take Mrs. Cur- 
wen, and — " 

Mrs. Roberts : " Oh, Amy, you know 
I'd do anything for you, especially in a 
case like this ; but I cant let Edward take 
Mrs. Curwen out. I don't mind her flirt- 
ing ; she does that with every one ; but 
she always gets Edward to laughing so 
that it attracts the attention of the whole 
table, and — " 

Campbell : " That's a very insignificant 
matter. I'll take out Mrs. Curwen, my- 
self—" 

Mrs. Campbell : " No, indeed you won't ! 



You always get her laughing, and that's 
a great deal worse." 

Campbell : " Well, well, I won't, then. 
But we can arrange that afterwards." 

Mrs. Campbell : " No, we'll settle it 
now, if you please ; and I don't want you 
to go near Mrs. Curwen. She'll be sure 
to see that there's something wrong from 
the delay, and she'll try to find it out, 
and if she should I shall simply perish on 
the spot. She'll try to get round you and 
make you tell, and I want you to promise 
me, Willis, on your bended knees, that 
you won't let it out. She's insufferable 
enough as it is, but if she got to sym- 
pathizing with me, or patronizing me 
about such a thing, as she'd be sure to 
do, I don't know what I should do. Will 
you promise .^" 

Campbell : " Oh, I promise. Look out 
you don't tell her yourself. Amy ! But 
now I've got to see that there's enough 
to eat, under this new deal, and the great 
question is about the quail, and I've 
thought how to manage that. I'll just 
run down to the telephone, and send to 
the club for them. We can have them 
5 



here inside of a half-hour, and never turn 
a feather." 

Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, Willis, you are 
inspired. Well, I shall always say that 
when there is any real thinking to be 
done — But hurry back, do, dear, and 
Agnes and I will be trying to settle who 
shall take out — Oh, I'm afraid you won't 
get back in time to help us ! It takes so 
long to telephone the simplest thing." 

Campbell : " I'll be back in one-quarter 
of a second." He rushes out, brushing 
by Mrs. Crashaw, who enters at the same 
moment from the library. 



' XI 

MRS. CRASHAW AND THE OTHER LADIES ; 
THEN CAMPBELL 

Mrs. Crashaw : " Amy, child, what in 
the world has happened ? What are you 
staying out here away from your com- 
pany for ? Where's Willis going ? What's 
Agnes doing here ? It's perfectly scandal- 
ous to leave all those people alone !" 

Mrs. Campbell: "Oh, Aunt Mary, if 
you only knew, you wouldn't scold us! 
Don't you see the Belforts have come ?" 

Mrs. Crashaw : " Yes, of course they've 
come, and after they declined ; I under- 
stand that. But it's only a matter of two 
plates more at the table — " 

Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, is it ? And am 
I to let ^z'm go down with ^er ? The 
whole affair has got to be planned over, 
and another leaf put in, and the table re- 
arranged, and I don't know what all." 

Mrs. Roberts: "And Willis has gone 



36 



down to telephone to the club for more 
quails." 

Mrs. Crashaw, to Mrs. Campbell : "You 
don't mean that you only got just quails 
enough ?" 

Mrs. Campbell, indignantly : " A dinner 
for ten is not a dinner for twelve. I may 
not have kept house so long as you, Aunt 
Mary, but I'm not quite a child!" At 
this critical moment Campbell returns. 
" Well, will they send them .?" 

Campbell : " Yes, yes. It's all right. I 
couldn't get the club, just now ; Central 
was busy; but I've primed Green's man, 
down below, and he'll call them up in a 
minute. He understands it. I thought 
I'd hurry back and see if I could be of use. 
Well, have you got things all straight Y' 

Mrs. Crashaw : " No ; we've spent the 
time in getting them crookeder, if possi- 
ble. I've insinuated that Amy didn't 
know how to order her dinner, and she's 
told me I'm an old woman. I am an old 
woman. Amy, and you mustn't regard me. 
I think my mind's going." She kisses 
Mrs. Campbell, who clasps her in a for- 
giving embrace. 



Mrs, Campbell : " Mine's gone, Aunt 
Mary, or I never could have taken any- 
thing amiss ixovayotc! I don't see how I 
shall live through it. I don't know what to 
do ; it seems to get worse every moment." 

Mrs. Crashaw : "Why, you don't sup- 
pose the Belforts suspect anything, do 
you ?" 

Mrs. Campbell : " That's the worst of 
it. I thought I ought to let the Millers 
know who had failed when I asked them 
so late ; and the Belforts were there at 
tea this afternoon, and Mrs. Miller let out 
her surprise that they were coming. So, 
of course, I had a double duty." 

Campbell : " But, thank goodness, she 
was equal to it. Aunt Mary. I've had to 
do sometall lying in my time, but I never 
soared to the heights that Amy reached 
with the Belforts, in my palmiest days." 

Mrs. Crashaw : " Well, then, if she con- 
vinced them that their suspicions were 
wrong, it's all right ; and if the quails are 
coming from the club, I don't see what 
there is to worry about. We must be 
thankful that you could get out of it so 
easily." 



38 



Mrs. Campbell : " But we're 7iot out of 
it. The table has to be rearranged, but I 
can have that done now somehow, while 
we're waiting for the quails. The great 
thing is to manage about the going out. 
It happens very fortunately that if I tell 
all the other men whom they're to take 
out, Mr. Belfort can't suppose that he was 
an after-thought. But I can't seem to 
make a start with a new arrangement, in 
my own mind." 

Campbell : " You've used up all your 
invention in convincing the Belforts that 
they were expected. Good gracious, herejs 
Dr. Lawton ! What do you want here, 
you venerable opprobrium of science.?" 



XII 

DR. LAWTON AND THE OTHERS 

Dr. Lawton, standing at ease on the 
threshold of the drawing-room : " Noth- 
ing. I merely got tired of hearing the 
praises of truth chanted in there, and 
came out here for — a little change." 

Campbell : " Well, you can't stay. 
You've got to go back, and help keep the 
Belforts from supposing they weren't ex- 
pected, if it takes all your hoarded wis- 
dom as a general practitioner for forty 
years." 

Mrs. Campbell : " Oh yes ; do go back, 
doctor !" 

Dr. Lawton : " What has been the treat- 
ment up to the present time ?" 

Campbell : " The most heroic kind. 
Amy has spared neither age nor sex, in 
the use of whoppers. You know what 
she is, doctor, when she has a duty to 
perform." 



Dr. Lawton : " But whoppers, as I un- 
derstand, are always of one sex. They 
may be old ; they often are, I believe ; 
but they are invariably masculine." 

Campbell: "Oh, that doesn't prevent 
women's using them. They use all of 
us." 

Dr. Lawton: "Well, then, there's no 
need of my going back on that account. 
In fact, I may congratulate Mrs. Camp- 
bell on the most complete success. The 
Belforts are thoroughly deceived." 

Mrs. Campbell, with tremulous eager- 
ness : " Oh, do you thiiik so, doctor ? If 
I could only believe that, how happy I 
should be !" 

Dr. Lawton : " You may be sure of it, 
Mrs. Campbell. Belfort doesn't count, of 
course .^" 

Mrs. Crashaw : " Of course not ; men 
will believe anything that's told them." 

Dr. Lawton : " And I don't allude to 
hiJii. But Mrs. Belfort got me to one 
side as soon as she saw me, and told me 
she had been afraid there was something 
wrong, but Mrs. Campbell had assured 
her that she had got her note of accept- 



ance, and now she was going to give her 
whole mind to the phonograph's beauti- 
ful rendering of Bryant's poem on truth." 

Mrs. Roberts : " There, Amy, you see 
there's no reason to worry about that !" 

Mrs. Crashaw : " No ; the only thing 
now is to get your dinner on the table, 
child, and let us eat it as soon as possi- 
ble." 

Campbell : " Yes, if Lawton's telling 
the truth." 

The Ladies : " Willis !" 

Dr. Lawton : " Don't mind him, ladies ! 
The experiences of his early life in Cali- 
fornia, you know, must have been very 
unfavorable to a habit of confidence in 
his fellow-men. I pity him." 
6 



XIII 
MRS. CURWEN AND THE OTHERS 

Mrs. Curwen, appearing with young 
Mr. Bemis : " Dr. Lawton, I wish you 
would go and bring your daughter here. 
She's flirting outrageously with my hus- 
band." In making this accusation, Mrs. 
Curwen casts the eye of experienced co- 
quetry at young Mr. Bemis, who laughs 
foolishly. 

Dr. Lawton : " Oh, I dare say he won't 
mind ; he must be so used to it." 

Mrs. Curwen : " What do you mean, 
Dr. Lawton } What does he mean, Mr. 
Campbell }" 

Campbell : " I couldn't imagine, for the 
life of me." 

Mrs. Curwen : " Can yotc tell, Mrs. 
Campbell }" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, I Jievcr tell — such 
things." 

Mrs. Curwen : " What mysteries ! Well, 




'OH, I DAKE SAY HE WON T MIND. 



can you tell .iie what makes Mrs, Belfort 
so uncommonly gay, this evening ? She 
seems to be in the greatest spirits, laugh- 
ing with everybody — Mr. Bem'is pe're, and 
Mr. Roberts." 

Mrs. Campbell : " Mrs. Belfort ?" 

Mrs. Curwen : " Yes. She seems a lit- 
tle hysterical. I wonder if anything's 
happened ?" 

Mrs. Campbell, sweeping the circle of 
her confidants with a look of misery : 
" What could have happened ?" 

Dr. Lawton : " It's merely the pleasure 
of finding herself in your company, Mrs. 
Curwen." 

Mrs. Curwen : " Oh, thank you, Dr. 
Lawton, I know that I scatter sunshine 
in my path, but not to that extent, I 
think." With winning appeal: "Oh, 
what z's the cat in the meal, doctor.^" To 
young Mr. Bemis, archly : " Do make them 
tell me, Mr. Bemis !" 

Young Mr. Bemis, with the air of epi- 
gram : " I'm sure / don't know." He 
chokes with flattered laughter. 

Mrs. Curwen : " How cruel of you not 
even to try !" She makes eyes at young 



Mr. Bemis, and then transfers them rapid- 
ly to Campbell : " Won't you just whis- 
per it in my ear, Mr. Campbell? Mrs. 
Roberts, you can't imagine what nice 
things your husband's been saying to me ! 
I didn't know he paid compliments. And 
now I suppose he's devoting himself to 
Mrs. Belfort. Perhaps it was that made 
her so lively. He began at once. He's 
so amusing. I envy you having such a 
husband always about." 

Young Mr. Bemis, in the belief that he 
is saying something gallant: "I'm sure 
we're none of us so hard-hearted as to 
envyj/(?w, Mrs. Curwen." 

Mrs. Curwen : " Oh, thank you, Mr. 
Bemis ! I shall really be afraid to tell 
Mr. Curwen all you say." She laughs, 
and Campbell joins her, even under the 
reproachful gaze of his wife and sister. 
Mrs. Curwen turns coaxingly to him : 
"Z>^tell!" 

Campbell : " Tell what T' 

Mrs. Curwen: "Well — " She pauses 
thoughtfully, and then suddenly adds : 
" Who's going to take me out to dinner." 

Mrs. Campbell, surprised into saying 



45 



it : " Why, it's all disarranged now by the 
Belforts — " She stops, and a thrill of 
dismay at her self-betrayal makes itself 
apparent in the spectators. 

Mrs. Curwen, with clasped hands : 
'' Do?it say by the Belforts coming un- 
expectedly ! Oh, dear Mrs. Campbell, I 
know how to pity you ! That very thing 
happened to me last winter. Only, it 
was Mrs. Miller who came after she'd de- 
clined ; she said Mr. Miller wouldn't come 
without her. But why do you mind it ? 
We all went out pell-mell. Such fun! 
But it must have taken all Mr. Campbell's 
ingenuity to keep them from suspecting." 

Campbell : " More, too. I was no- 
where." 

Mrs. Curwen, with caressing deference 
to Mrs. Campbell : " Of course you were 
not needed. But isn't it shocking how 
one has to manage in such an emergency.'* 
I really believe it would be better to tell 
the truth sometimes. Don't you ?" 

Mrs. Campbell : " It's all very well tell- 
ing the truth if they don't suspect any- 
thing. But when people tax you with 
their mistakes, and try to make you own 



46 



up that they've blundered, then of course 
you have to deny it." 

Mrs. Roberts : " You simply have to." 

Mrs. Crashaw : " There's no other way, 
in that case, even if you'd prefer to tell 
the truth." 

Mrs. Curwen : " Oh, in that case, yes, 
indeed. Poor Mrs. Campbell ! I can im- 
agine how annoying it must have been ; 
but I shotdd have liked to hear you get- 
ting out of it ! What did you say } Fm 
so transparent, people see through me at 
once." 

Campbell : " Are you ?" 

Dr. Lawton : " Don't you think you're 
a little hard on yourself, Mrs. Curwen ?" 

Mrs. Curwen, with burlesque meekness 
and sincerity : " No, not the least. It's 
simple justice." Mr. Curwen enters with 
Roberts. "You can ask my husband if 
you don't believe vie. Or no, I'll put the 
case to him myself. Fred, dear, if people 
whom I didn't expect to dinner, came, 
coitld I keep them from discovering that 
they weren't expected } You know how 
awkward I am about such things — little 
fibs, and all that ?" 



XIV 



ROBERTS, CURWEN, AND THE OTHERS; THEN 
THE BELFORTS 

Curwen : " Well, I don't know — " 

Mrs. Curwen, shaking her fan at him 
during the general laugh : " Oh, what a 
wicked husband ! Vote don't believe I 
could fib out of such a thing, do you, Mr. 
Roberts ?" 

Roberts, gallantly : " If I knew what 
the thing was ?" 

Mrs. Curwen : " Why, like the Bel- 
forts — Oh, poor Mrs. Campbell ! I didn't 
mean to let it out !" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, it doesn't matter. 
Would you like to go and tell the Bel- 
forts themselves } Or, you needn't go : 
they're coming here." 

Mrs. Belfort, returning from the libra- 
ry, followed by her husband and the eld- 
er Mr. Bemis : " How perfectly the phono- 
graph renders that piece, Mr. Campbell I 
I've never heard anything like it." 



Campbell : " It's all in practice. You 
wouldn't hear anything else here, Mrs. 
Belfort. It's my favorite poem. And I'm 
happy to find that Mrs. Curwen likes it as 
much as I do." 

Mrs. Curwen : " I adore it !" 

The Phonograph, within : " Truth 
crushed to earth will rise again." 

Campbell : " Every time ! But I wish 
Jim would change the cylinder. I like a 
little vari — " 

A Sound from the regions below, some- 
thing like, " Woor, roor, roor ; woor, roor, 
roor !" and then a voice : " Hello ! Is 
that you. Central.^ Well, give me two 
hundred and forty-one, please ! Yes, two, 
four, one : Iroquois Club. Yes! What.^ 
Yes, Iroquois Club — two forty-one. Well, 
hurry up ! Is that you, Iroquois ? Yes ? 
Busy ? Well, that won't work. I don't 
care if you are busy. You've got to take 
my message, and take it right away. Hear 
that ?" 

Campbell : " Hear it ? I should think 
they could ! That confounded fool has 
left the closet-door open !" He rushes out 
and down the stairs, while the others as- 



sume various attitudes of sympathy and 
dismay, and Mrs. Curwen bows herself 
into her fan, and the voice below con- 
tinues. 

The Voice : '* Well, why don't you send 
them quails you promised half an hour 
ago ? What ? Who is it ? It's Mr. Camp- 
bell. C, a, m, Cam, m, e, 1, mel, Camp- 
bell. One hump ! What ? Oh, hump 
yourself! It's Mr. Cam — " 

Campbell's voice from below : " Why 
the deuce don't you shut that closet-door.^ 
Shut it ! Shut it ! We can hear you all 
over the house, the way you yell. Don't 
you know how to use a telephone ? Shut 
that door, anyway !" 

The Voice : " Oh, I beg your pardon, 
sir, I didn't think about the door. I didn't 
know it was open. All right, sir." There 
is the sound of a closing door, and then, 
as Campbell rejoins his guests with a 
flushed face, the woor-roor-rooring of the 
electric bell begins again. " Iroquois ! 
Is this Iroquois ? No, I don't want you ; 
I want Iroquois. Well, is that Iroquois 
now ?" The words are at first muffled ; 
then they grow more and more distinct, 
7 



in spite of the intervening door. "Yes, 
quails ! A dozen roast quails. You got 
the order half an hour ago. There's a 
lot of folks come that they didn't expect, 
and they got to have some more birds. 
Well, hurry up, then ! Good-by ! Woor- 
roor !" 

Campbell, amid the consternation of 
the company, while Mrs. Belfort fixes his 
wife with an eye of mute reproach : 
" Now, my dear, this is so awful that 
nothing can be done about it on the old 
lines." 

Mrs. Campbell : " Yes ; I give it up. 
Mrs. Belfort, I tried my very best to keep 
you from suspecting, and even when you 
did suspect, I'm sure you must say that I 
did all I could. But fate was against me." 

Mrs. Curwen : •' Oh, poor Mrs. Camp- 
bell ! Mus^ you own up?" 

Mrs. Belfort : " But I don't understand. 
You got my note of acceptance, didn't 
you ?" 

Mrs. Campbell : " But it wasnt a note 
of acceptance : it was a note of regret !" 

Mrs. Belfort : " Indeed it was not !" 

Mrs. Campbell : " I knew just how it 




VES, QUAILS ! 



had happened as soon as I saw you this 
evening, and I determined that wild 
horses should not get the truth out of 
me." Campbell and Dr. Lawton exchange 
signals of admiration. " You must have 
been writing two notes, declining some- 
where else, and then got them mixed. 
It's always happening." 

Campbell : " It's one of the commonest 
things in the world — on the stage; and 
ever since a case of the kind happened 
to Mrs. Campbell down at the Shore, one 
summer, she's known how to deal with it," 

Mrs. Belfort : " But I didnt write two 
notes and get them mixed. I wrote but 
one, to tell Mrs, Campbell how very glad 
I was to come. Do you happen to have 
kept my note }" 

Mrs, Campbell : " They are all here in 
this desk, and " — running to it, and pull- 
ing it open — " here is yours." She reads : 
" ' Dear Mrs. Campbell, I am very sorry 
to be so late in answering. An out-of- 
town eiigagement for the tenth, which has 
been hanging over us in a threatening way 
for the past fortnight — ' " Mrs. Camp- 
bell turns the leaf, and continues reading 



in a murmur that finally fades into the 
silence of utter dismay. 

Campbell : " Well, my dear?" 

Mrs, Crashaw : " What in the world is 
it, child ?" 

Mrs. Roberts : " Amy !" 

Mrs. Curwen : " Oh, not ajwtkcr mys- 
tery, I hope !" 

Campbell : " Go on, Amy, or shall 
I—" 

Mrs. Campbell, reading desperately on : 
" ' —for the past fort7iight, is happily off 
at last, a?id I am very glad indeed to ac- 
cept your kind itivitation for din7ier at 
seven on that day, for Mr. Belfoi't and 
myself—^ " She lets her hands, with the 
letter stretched between them, fall dra- 
matically before her. 

Campbell : " Well, my dear, there seems 
to be a pretty clear case against you, and 
unless you can plead mind-transference, 
or something like that — " 

Mrs. Roberts: "I'm sure it's mind- 
transference. Amy ! I've often been 
through the same experience myself. 
Just take the opposite of what's said." 

Mrs. Campbell, in a daze : " But I don't 



see — Yes, now I begin to remember how 
it must have been — how it was. I know 
now, but I don't know how I can ever 
forgive myself for such carelessness, when 
I'm always so particular about notes— " 

Campbell: "Yes, I've even heard you 
say it was criminal to read them careless- 
ly. I can bear witness for you there." 

Mrs. Roberts : " I'm sure I could too, 
Amy, in a court of justice." 

Mrs. Campbell : " Yes, I was just going 
out when your note came, Mrs. Belfort, 
and I read the first page — down to 'for 
the past fortjiight' — and I took it for 
granted that the opening regret meant a 
refusal, and just dropped it into my desk 
and gave you up. It's inexcusable, per- 
fectly inexcusable ! I'm quite at your 
feet, Mrs. Belfort, and I shall not blame 
you at all if you can't forgive me. What 
shall I say to you ?" 

Mrs. Belfort, amiably : " Nothing, my 
dear, except that you will let me stay, 
now I'm here !" 

Mrs. Campbell " How sweet you are ! 
You shall live with us !" 

Campbell : " Truth crushed to earth ! 



It's perfectly wonderful ! Mrs. Campbell 
can't get away from it when she tries her 
best. She tells it in spite of herself. She 
supposed she wasn't telling it when she 
said there was no mistake on j^our part; 
but she was. Well, it zs a feminine vir- 
tue, doctor." 

Dr. Lavvton : " Unquestionably, I think 
that it came into the world with woman." 

Mrs. Campbell, with mounting courage : 
" Yes a pretty predicament I should have 
been in, Willis, if I had taken your ad- 
vice, and told the truth, as you call it, in 
the beginning. But now we won't wait 
any longer. The quails will come in their 
own good time. My dear, will you give 
Mrs. Belfort your arm ? And, Mr. Bel- 
fort, will you give me yours .^" 

Mrs. Curwen : " And all the rest of us ?" 

Mrs. Campbell : " Oh, you can come 
©ut pell-mell." 

Mrs. Curwen: "Oh, dear Mrs. Camp- 
bell !" 



THE END. 



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FOR THE MAJOR. i6mo. Cloth, $1 00. 
CASTLE NOWHERE. i6mo, Cloth, $1 00. 
RODMAN THE KEEPER. i6mo. Cloth, 
|i 00. 

Miss Woolson is among our tew successful writers of 
interesting magazine stories, and her skill and power 
are perceptible in the delineation of her heroines no 
less than in the suggestive pictures of local life. — y^ew- 
ish Messenger, N. Y. 

Constance Fenimore Woolson may easily become the 
novelist laureate. — Boston Globe, 

Miss Woolson has a graceful fancy, a ready wit, a 
polished style, and conspicuous dramatic power; while 
her skill in the development of a story is very remark- 
able. — London Life. 

Miss Woolson never once follows the beaten track of 
the orthodox novelist, but strikes a new and richly load- 
ed vein, which so far is all her own ; and thus we feel, 
on reading one of her works, a fresh sensation, and we 
put down the book with a sigh to think our pleasant task 
of reading it is finished. — Whitehall Review, London. 

Published by HARPER & BROTHERS, New York. 

JI^^ Any of the above works will be sefit by mail, 
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Canada, or Mexico, on receipt of the price. 



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THE ODD NUMBER SERIES. 

i6mo, Cloth, Ornamental, 

DAME CARE. By Hermann Sudermann. 
Translated by Bertha Overbeck. $i oo. 

TALES OF TWO COUNTRIES. By 
Alexander Kiellanu. Translated by 
William Archer. $i oo. 

TEN TALES BY FRANgOIS COPPEE. 

Translated by Walter Learned. 50 Illus- 
trations. $1 25. 

MODERN GHOSTS. Selected and Trans- 
lated. $1 00. 

THE HOUSE BY THE MEDLAR-TREE. 
By Giovanni Verga. Translated from the 
Italian by Mary A. Craig. $i 00. 

PASTELS IN PROSE. Translated by Stu- 
art Merrill. 150 Illustrations. $r 25. 

MARIA : A South American Romance. By 
Jorge Isaacs. Translated by Rollo Og- 
DEN. $1 00. 

THE ODD NUMBER. Thirteen Tales by 
Guy de Maupassant. The Translation by 
Jonathan Sturges. |i 00. 



Other volumes to follow. 



Published by HARPER & BROTHERS, New York. 

'^W^Any of the above works will be sent by mail, 
postage prepaid, to any part of the United States, 
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